My first attempt to meditate alone was a total failure. I could barely sit still for five minutes. My head was like a birdcage full of a thousand chirping canaries; my chaotic mind paralyzed by the nonstop chitchat of voices outside of my control. Rudi’s patience with my confused inner life inspired me to have patience with myself. “If my mind is like a team of wild horses that needs to be trained,” I thought, “over time, and with practice, and patience, I will master the beast.”

My neurotic condition demanded that I start from ground zero. The only person I live with twenty-four hours a day, I thought, is Stuart Perrin, and I must make friends with him. Unhappiness can’t dictate the way I live.

A three-step forward, two-step back incremental progress saw my level of self-respect as well as my patience, increase.

“You’re not perfect,” I said to myself, “nor will you ever be. Stop tormenting yourself over things that are impossible to attain. Put an end to the Stuart Perrin wars. You’re no longer a mentally and emotionally unhinged human being who lives in denial of the right to be happy.”

As I mastered my mind, emotions, and sexual energy, and used what once tormented me to develop a strong chakra system, my limitations and internal fears were no longer a problem.

Rudi’s teachings helped me to let go of a seriously neurotic self and replace it with a newly found sense of peace. I no longer lived in a world of self-loathing and developed what I called “patient/impatience.” It helped me to move forward in my life. As I mastered my mind, emotions, and sexual energy, and used what once tormented me to develop a strong chakra system, my limitations and internal fears were no longer a problem. I didn’t have to be perfect. I had to follow a path that led to a spiritual life.

People often ask me how they can deepen their wish to grow spiritually. It’s a question of great importance because the need to grow spiritually must exist every day of one’s life. A conscious use of time reminds a person that procrastination creates a swampland of emotional and mental lethargy. It defers true need to some imaginary place in the future. The moment one loses contact with that need, their creative process stops. It devolves into a stagnant lifestyle that takes one nowhere.

“A deeper sense of surrender,” were Rudi’s last words before samadhi. They were a testament to the way he lived. His creativity never dried up, his devotion to God and to the service of higher energy was a reminder of how essential it is to remember one’s purpose in the world.

I never forget the moment before I met Rudi, a memory of self-imposed hell that keeps me working on myself today. The thought of returning to my pre-Rudi days is so terrible I would make any sacrifice to deepen my spiritual practice. I also remember myself twenty years ago…and ten years ago. When I see how I live today and what my life is about, those memories keep a meditation spark well lit. There’s no limit to the depth of inner vision and creativity available through profound surrender. It helps me navigate the currents of life on an adventure that transcends anything else the universe has to offer…

(To be continued…)

Buddha Maitreya

Buddha Maitreya, Northern Wei dynasty (386-534), dated 486, Gilt bronze